Has someone you loved and respected ever done something you consider despicable? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you try to forgive them? Did it permanently change your feelings for them?
I like to be a woman of my word.
This past May, my sister married the love of her life in South Carolina. Rewind it a few months back, she honored my by asking me to be "matron of honor". At that moment, I felt more connected to her even in the long distance even in the short time we've spent face to face. Of all of her friends, she chose me. We both suffer a degree of separation from traditional family relationships. It was an initial,commiserative bond that linked us instantly.
Early on,I wished we lived near so we could haunt stores for wedding affects together. I did not realize how grave a factor it would evolve into once my husband left suddenly (of his own volition) for additional naval training. He was supposed to accompany me and the children to South Carolina. I'd already made the mistake for my brother's wedding in Memphis of driving with the boys. And even in that case,I merely tagged along with the boys in the back of the SUV as my aunt and cousin drove. Even with 10 of my "close" relatives, the boys made the trip miserable. On the way back from the trip, I cried my eyes out for all the stress and exhaustion. No one helped me. I was criticized by my grandfather for my parental skills as one child escaped once I grabbed hold of the other. It was a complete circus without my husband. The daunting trip that laid wait for me in South Carolina, I accepted as a necessary for the end result being standing up for my sister. It was not until my husband emotionally abandoned me after an ordinary misunderstanding during his naval stay in Chicago, that I realized again what alone felt like. I seriously believed in my hormonal induced state of delusion that he had found a girlfriend and my marital days were numbered. A few days later, I called my sister in a hybrid between frenetic and overwhelmingly depressed. I assured her that my husband was done with me. So,in my deranged mind, not only had he left unannounced for a voluntary naval school, but he shirked his familial responsibility by abandoning us. Piece by piece, I unraveled. I rescinded my acceptance to stand beside my sister a mere week or so before her elaborately planned wedding. I was a complete mess. Emotionally unable to even cope with whatever my active young boys had to dish out for me on that trip. Emotionally unable to cope. Period.
It wasn't until a day or so after reneging on the MOH duty, that my husband and I peacefully reconciled. It was rather fraud in my opinion as there was no excuse for not speaking to your wife for a week. A part of me still stings from that episode. Even after welcoming him home, I felt betrayed and disgusted from what reasons my mind imagined. We've gotten far past it, but to say I don't look at him differently would be a lie. Something broke. I am happy. We're in love. We're in a much better place in our marriage than ever. Even thinking back to before the kids, we're much more in love. But to say that he would never hurt me or act without regard to my feelings, is a now flawed statement. So, my feelings are indeed permanently changed on that matter. Don't get me wrong. I feel safe enough. As safe as anyone should in a relationship dependent on the actions of an entirely separate emotional and physical being, but I'm mentally prepared to adjust the situation accordingly. So, actually, I am in better stance to accept anything that life or marriage positions in my direction. Yes. That's a good thing.
But the person I find most despicable in this situation is me. I am a woman of my word and heart. My heart wanted to be with my sister, but I allowed the breakdown to emotionally cripple rational thought. I laid in bed immobilized. I regret this deeply. I cannot forgive myself for this for it is a day that cannot be replaced. A chance opportunity. Forever lost. For that I despise myself.
- Current Mood: contemplative