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Remnants of the Writers Yoga Workshop

You cannot lose what you never possessed. My dad's body found permanent rest in September of 2006. I emotionally lost him from my earliest memory. Though my mother bears to date hidden her reasoning, she lied to me all my life. I do not know her reasons, so I forge my own...

My dad joined the Army against my mother's wishes. When he willed and she found herself pregnant, she scouted a suitable surrogate. She convinced the new guy her unborn child was his and he wedded her to legitimize me. I was born with his name, but upon birth, there was no doubt I was not his kid. Despite my real dad's efforts to unite with me, I rejected him because I believed my mother. My father loved me, and wanted me to be a happy and balanced child. My mother used me as a tool for revenge. She hated my existence. I recall my childhood vividly only because I replayed the trauma in my head. Just as I remember a memory at the age of 18 months when my uncle tickled me until I struggled to breath... I can remember one Fourth of July in early age, my mother cursed at me and vented "I wish I could suffocate you with a pillow." I grew up knowing I lost my mother from the start. In cognition, I resented her. She showered my brothers with love and tending, and in her neglect I black-sheeped myself. I felt like a waste product, walking/breathing zygote who never should have been carried to term.

This formed my life. Everyone wonders where my capabilities and strong mentalities originate. Some assume my military service, others consider it cultural; but mine is a resourcefulness birth from necessity. No one cared about me but me, so I grew selfish (in a positive direction and without ego). I took better care of myself than anyone could. I planned for greatness in everything and imagined 78 possible outcomes for every possible move. It's how I became me. I love me. I admit and embrace my past for every single move led me to my present.

A Girl's Best Friend

The winter's richness endowed upon me a few extra inches adding depth to my curves. I call it my Marilyn Monroe phase. Not that I appreciate this weight/size/situation, but I feel the need to embrace my now. This comes after weeks of deliberation in which I rejected every extra bit of me, refusing to clothe such a person. Constantly debating whether I should force myself to walk as sole transportation. I am 10 pounds away from ideal weight. I know what I need to do to fix this, but most importantly, I love myself, anyway. Marilyn weighed more than I do and wore a larger size than I do. She owned it; men loved. I just want to return it.

Jung Explorer Test
Actualized type: ESTJ
(who you are)
ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.
Preferred type: ESTJ
(who you prefer to be)
ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.
Attraction type: ESTJ
(who you are attracted to)
ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Take Jung Explorer Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


And This I Know For Sure…..

I am who I am.
If you like it, thank me now. (And you're welcome.)
If not, scurry off.


10% Divided By Zero

Barely two months into 2014, I explored a lot of new territory this year. Choosing to go completely outside of my comfort zone, I started job seeking.  I conveniently forgot that I am terribly awkward. I am seeking a job in either Computer Science, Biology, and/or Mathematics that will commute to relevant employment experience on my resume. I freelance for a skincare brand and shoot engagement sessions, but educational background is in Political Science, English, Computer Science, and (most recently) Mathematics. Blame both the preposterous notion that people only use 10% of our capabilities and the popular lateralization of brain function theory. Challenge accepted.
So, the newness of the aforementioned territory is that I am actually seeking a job related to my degrees. Today, I was master of my aloofness. I woke up to a Carrie situation, Stephen King's not Bradshaw. Lactational amenorrhea over. Egg suicide resumed.TMI, but I forgot all about the female affliction. It had not dawned on me that it was mine to remember. And today it arrived. It greeted me this morning and it felt like I was forced to entertain an unrepentant stranger who poured red wine on my new, white carpet. I did not once let this affect me. I aced today's interview. I nailed it.
I had two amazing interviews these past two days. One job is a Computer Science/Mathematics hybrid and the other is more medical technology.  Wish me luck.


On Thankfulness

The Saturday after the world’s supposed end, I relaxed at home with my family. It’s the same thing I do almost every weekend. Refreshing ourselves for the new week ahead and reconnecting after the past week’s demands. This week was more reflective. It was a week ago that we began mourning for the children and faculty lost at Sandy Hook elementary. I have two boys the same ages as the lost children. They are filled with joy, energy, and wonder. I imagine those Connecticut children were as bouncy and engaging. What a keen age. Sharply connecting their spongy knowledge with life as it happens around them. So much promise potentially lies ahead, but tomorrow is not promised even to the young.

I believe in maintaining an attitude of thankfulness no matter what, but sometimes I fail to recognize just how much gratitude I owe. In these times, even the smallest mercies should not be taken for granted. My family. My friends. My health and the health of my loved ones. My opportunities. My sanity. My every breath. I am thankful for it all.


June 30th @ 00:20!!! Imax Theatre!!!


Writer's Block: Forgive and forget?

Has someone you loved and respected ever done something you consider despicable? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you try to forgive them? Did it permanently change your feelings for them?

I like to be a woman of my word. 
To save your FL..Aww...I'm so sweet..Mwah!!Collapse ) For that I despise myself.